It’s been a long journey to get from there to here, and I’m so excited to share my next steps with you.
I grew up in an abusive, erratic household with a parent who had untreated “Cluster B Personality Disorder” which includes Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Living in that environment required being “on guard” at all times—high alert status, constantly monitoring and gauging the temperature of the household. Relaxing was not an option.
For years I struggled with the need to be busy, busy, busy all the time. Working, working, working. I couldn’t relax, I couldn’t enjoy life and I couldn’t, not ever, allow myself to become completely absorbed in something, anything. I’d had a lifelong desire to be an artist, and would ask for art supplies every Christmas. But actually doing art was out of the question. Despite years of therapy, I just couldn’t let go. I didn’t feel safe with my attention so focused on something—I couldn’t keep scanning for danger if my attention was too absorbed.
At the end of 2018, as I was looking at the New Year and my upcoming 50th birthday and I had a little bit of a meltdown (understatement). I didn’t want to live this way anymore. I think my kids will always remember Christmas from that year as the worst ever. I was deeply sad and couldn’t stop crying. I stayed on the couch for two weeks.
But then, through the magic of the Internet I reconnected with a dear, dear friend I hadn’t seen for 20 years. A dear friend who had married my husband and I in her backyard and also happened to be a gifted energetic healer. I had my first session with her on Christmas Day, 2018, and I have never looked back. I made more progress in two months working with Octavia than I had in years of talk therapy. She changed my life.
Starting in January of 2019 I began my new-to-me life. I got out my art supplies and starting using them. I bought myself a hand-lettering course and starting taking it. I committed to spending time EVERY SINGLE DAY doing art. It has been one of the biggest, most profound steps I have taken as a human being since I left my childhood home and I am incredibly grateful for the support of my family and then work I have done with Octavia, as well as to all of the medical and psychological experts who have kept me sustained up until now.
So begins my journey.
I hope you’ll join me.